I’ve been struggling.
Struggling with over thinking everything. Struggling with knowing if I thought of something myself or if someone else did. Struggling with caring so deeply about what other people think of me.
I think I’m going to reach a breaking point soon.
I was reading a book recently, Girl, Wash Your Face, and if i had to pick one thing to take from it, it would be this:
Someone else’s opinion of me is none of my business.
I’m a woo. If you don’t know what a woo is, it’s one of the strengths outlined in StrengthsFinder 2.0 (not spon, but would take your money StrengthsFinder). WOO stands for “winning others over” (yes, I did just learn this while writing this post…I’m shookith). Typically woos have the ability to motivate and inspire others easily. Which is dope, right? Absolutely. I really love being a woo, however, a lot of people regard woos in a negative light.
Woos can come on strong, can be loud, and are typically people pleasers because we want people to like us. See where I’m going here?
All I want is people to like me…which in turn makes me care (to an unhealthy level) what people think of me. My woo-ness sometimes holds me back.
And lately, with my innate desire for people to like and approve of me, I’ve allowed their opinions of me and my life weigh heavily on every decision I make and idea I have. I’m fearful to disappoint people. I’m terrified to make the wrong decision. I’m constantly battling what’s mine and what’s not. I’ve been floating in this world of “there’s no way I can be right, because I’ve now surrounded myself with people I trust and rely on.”
My entire life I’ve worked hard to never be the smartest person in the room, but I’ve also allowed myself to believe I’m not even close to the smartest or could be. I’ve allowed myself to be small. Maybe because I value the other people around me, maybe because I don’t believe in my different thoughts, opinions, or ideas.
I’ve allowed myself to believe conflict or contradicting thoughts are the end all be all. I avoid situations where conflict could arise and I willingly listen and sometimes agree with the people around me, even when I disagree (unless it’s major foundational beliefs, ya feel?).
Being small and not believing your own thoughts or ideas are strong and worthwhile is sad. I know it and I know so many are thinking it. This has been my reality and I won’t be able to change it overnight.
I care too much.
I believe in caring for people and going to the ends of the world for people…even when they won’t do it for you. I love that I care for people. I love that I value others opinions and listen.
I don’t love that I lose myself in the people around me. I silence my own voice when I feel intimidated. And that people take advantage of me sometimes.
And at the end of the day, I’m lost for what to do.
Thanks for reading,
P.S. I started this post right before I went to bed and my mind was racing, happen to anyone else?