Ha, just kidding. But how funny would it have been if I just ended my post there? I’m laughing, so that’s all that matters.
I keep having these dreams of being in a relationship or hanging with a guy like we’re about to be dating and I don’t get why. I’m in a place where I don’t think I have the right mindset to be dating, even though I’m constantly surrounded by love this year. So one would think if you’re surrounded by love, more opportunities would appear. Or that I would be more interested in finding love.
Listen, I’m interested in being in love and having a life partner, but if you don’t mind…I’d like to get a little vulnerable here. There are reasons why I haven’t opened myself up to love and why I get frustrated with people telling me I’m not putting myself out there or that I’m not giving it a chance…so I’d like to tell you why.
I didn’t think I deserved love
Or maybe I still don’t fully think I deserve love? I’m not sure. I’ve struggled with self confidence a lot in my life. My insecurities and anxiety almost always get the best of me, especially when it comes to opening myself up at the chance to find love. I like to put up this front of “oh, I know I’m awesome and I know some guy will be lucky to have me.” but all in all, most days I don’t fully believe that. Which is sad, I know. I love the days when I genuinely believe that, today is one of those days. However, it’s not a regular feeling, so I don’t put myself out there because overall I don’t know if I deserve that feeling.
I wasn’t confident in myself, so I kept chasing the wrong guys
Boy if this isn’t true. I love chasing after the guys I know are no good for me or won’t work out in the long run. It’s one of my favorite hobbies. Instead of giving the guy a chance who shows genuine interest, I for sure go after the guy who I have to work to get to pay attention to me. Further hurting my confidence and continuing this sick spiral of events.
I didn’t want to experience heartbreak
I’ve experienced heartbreak once and it was enough to make me not want that in my life ever again. So I’ve kept walls up to protect myself.
I didn’t make the time to put myself out there
I’m a busy gal, as many of my friends can attest. I don’t save a lot of time to meet new people, I don’t enjoy dating apps (as you’ve read a lot on my other posts), and I don’t have a lot of friends who know single men (which annoys me to this day, ya feel?). However, even if they did have single friends, I probably wouldn’t even make the time to go on a date. I don’t have any excuse besides the fact that I get nervous, I don’t want to waste my time, and I don’t know if I’m ready for it.
In conclusion, I’m still single because of myself. However, I want to make it clear that you telling me I’m not putting myself out there doesn’t make me more prepared to do so. I have a lot of self-work to do before dragging someone else into this mess of a life.
So for now, who knows if my dreams are leading me to the world of dating? Until I figure it out, I’m okay with my life as it is. I love being a single lady and I love to make jokes about being a fifth wheel.
Here’s to my single people,
P.S. Anyone else feel like with Fall approaching you desperately want to cuddle but love your alone time too so you’re very conflicted? Same.