Last week I had my first anxiety attack in over a month. To even say it was over a month feels weird to me, considering for a while I was experiencing anxiety attacks weekly. Since I hadn’t experienced one in a while, this one felt like it hit hard. Really hard. After doing some reflection, I think I understand what triggered my anxiety to flare up, but that’s not actually what I’m here to talk about. During this time of reflection, I started noticing a lot of different, little things I’ve been struggling with lately and I felt like I should just write them out, post it on the blog for all to see, and then I’ll feel better.
FOMO (fear of missing out)
Listen, there’s almost never a time that I’m not feeling left out. Even if it’s with people I don’t know well, I still see them doing something fun and I wish I had been invited. Since majority of my friends live in different parts of the country, I’ve been feeling really lonely and left out and sometimes even forgotten. Which makes my FOMO extra crazy.
Not being enough
Going hand-in-hand with my FOMO, I have really been feeling like no matter what I do or who I am, it’s not quite enough for any situation in my life. I’ve grown almost comfortable in this feeling and I think it’s because I have such high expectations for myself, no matter what I do, I always feel like I could do better. I’m constantly thinking “Am I being a good friend?” “Am I being a good daughter?” “Am I being a good sister?” or “Am I being a good employee?” So then when I start to feel left out, my answer to those questions quickly becomes, “no, you’re not doing enough, you need to do better.”
I just want to see the world and have some fun. I just want to go, go, go, but I love my job and need some money for the go, go, go mentality. Even though I went on a trip two months ago, my travel bug is biting.
Not speaking my mind
I don’t like conflict. I don’t like feeling like I’ll hurt someone’s feelings. Confrontation gives me hives. So, I hold my tongue. I’d rather be quietly upset/frustrated than have to talk it out with someone. I know, this isn’t healthy. I get it. So instead of bringing up things seriously, I do my best to jokingly bring things up and then just try to move on. It works most of the time, but it does sometimes bother me thinking people don’t fully know when they’ve hurt my feelings.
I’m bored. Having a constant routine is boring, but I also appreciate having a routine. I like structure, but I also like spontaneity. See why I feel so conflicted? Being in a routine is giving me confidence in my day-to-day actions, but lack of spontaneity is making me feel like I’m not really living.
If you’re reading this and have been feeling some of these things, know you’re not alone and I’m someone who would happily be there for you. I always hope sharing things like this not only helps someone feel less alone, but also lets people close to me know what’s going on in my head, especially if I ever seem a little off.
As always, thanks for reading
P.S. I wrote “and part of me wonders if anyone actually cares about things like this.” Probably three times in this post before backspacing, because if you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be reading. Check ya-self, self doubt!